Male, 28, Virgin

I am celebrating my 27th BIRTHDAY with a GUEST BLOGGER ❤ Please leave all gifts in the comments section below 🙂

I came across Patamedi Jonathan Lebea’s blog about two weeks ago, and as I do when I am totally smitten by someone’s words, I read every post until his very first in 2011. I instantly loved every part of himself he shared because I could relate with so many of his life experiences. I stalked him all the way to Facebook and an inbox friendship ensued 🙂 He is an amazing writer, a radio presenter on Rainbow FM, and I’m truly honored to have him as the first guest to ever post on my blog. Thank You PJ, sorry you had to stay up all night to finish this 🙂 Please read and share your thoughts and don’t forget to check out his awesome blog…

“You’re lying! There’s no way! Why do we bother having these discussions if you are not going to be honest!?” She was staring straight at me when she said these words. It was a few of us young people, most of us in our early 20’s chilling at church and the discussion was sex, as usual. A majority of the guys and girls in the circle had just disclosed that they have had sex. Besides a few other young ladies written off as being “too spiritual anyway” I was the only person in the group who was still a virgin. “Pat, just be honest!” I do not know what she wanted me to say to her, but I could tell that she was not pleased with the response I gave. She was almost offended by my truth, like it was a direct attack of her experiences. I did not know what to say to her. She stared at me with a look I know I have never seen before, and one that I’ll never forget.

It’s 2016 now and I realize there is nothing as controversial about me right now as the fact that I’m a virgin. Out of the many pointless things one could learn about me, nothing causes as much of a stir as the fact that I, at the age of 28, am still a virgin. The reactions I have gotten from people to that statement are the reason why I usually keep it to myself.  Not that I want to keep it a secret in anyway, but mostly because these words seem to offend people somehow. Hi, I am Patamedi Lebea. Yes, I am a virgin. To be honest I wish I could understand what the fuss is all about. Virginity is such a ridiculous thing. I could dissect and break down the ludicrous notion of virginity, but I shall spare you all that. All I have is the story of my history with sex; or the lack thereof.

I was a dark, fat, quiet and shy kid with an acne problem, a model C accent and no social skills whatsoever. I was obviously not a hit with the ladies growing up. If anything, I was the perfect guy friend to girls who were not put off by my uncool, unattractive, unyonk’into demeanour. I believe my ‘bestfriend’ relationships with girls coupled with my inability to relate to guys my age who were talking about breasts and butts played a big role in my lack of interest in sex growing up. I was 16 when a girl ever showed any interest in me. She told me she liked me, and I remember responding with an honest “why?” After struggling to understand why this pretty girl liked me, I eventually said “okay” and in my head we were a couple. Having never had any real conversations about relationships I did what cartoons had taught me about being in a relationship and in love. I bought her gifts, wrote her poems, called her often and always told her she was pretty. At some point she gave me my first real kiss and I remember deciding right there and then that she was the one I would marry one day. I was at her house often and even had a great relationship with her mother who liked me a lot because she knew me from church. That went on for a while until she grew up and I didn’t.

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PJ Lebea with ‘the love of his life’

I was the cutest and the most dumbest little kid. I kind of knew she had a lot of other boyfriends who taught her a lot of other things I did not know but I loved her and stayed faithful. As we both grew older I wanted to explore her mind while she wanted to be explored sexually. She was a generally self-conscious girl who always needed affirmations of her beauty because although she was really pretty, her chubby size always made her feel ugly. Her younger sister was popular all around kasi for being hot. I will never forget the day she cried in my arms. We were kissing when she stopped suddenly and asked me with tears in her eyes “why don’t you find me attractive? I couldn’t understand what she was talking about, that was anything but true. She was gorgeous. I was so confused, had I not told her enough? Could she not see it in my inability to tear my gaze away from her? I got home to a text that read “…then why haven’t you tried to go all the way with me?  You’re lying! You think I’m ugly!” I thought telling her I’m a virgin would make things better, but it turned out to be the last straw that broke the camel’s back. The next time I saw her she was looking at me differently. It was a look of shame and condemnation. No matter how much I tried to tell her that I did not care about the stats of her sex life and that I really just wanted her heart, I could not make that look go away. I would later get the same look from a young lady who was confident and happy to share about her sex life as long as she believed that everyone is doing it. I am not doing it.

Today I’m happy in a relationship with the love of my life who is coincidently also a virgin. I say coincidently because I was not going around looking for another virgin to be with. In fact the struggle I had was finding a woman who did not judge her own sexuality after she found out about mine. It is the stupidest thing ever. The world paints this distorted image that everyone at a certain age wants to and is subsequently having sex, and when people realise that is not necessarily the case they are made to feel ashamed for the choice they made. The idea of sex is so warped in society today that you are shamed for having had it before marriage as a woman and also shamed for not having done it by a certain age if you are a man, only to both be shamed later for not waiting.

A few things I wish to make clear:

  • Virginity and purity are not synonymous.
  • Sex and love are related but not one and the same.
  • The word virgin is not tantamount to “undesirable”, “incapacitated” or “religious freak”
  • It is absurd that we are taught that all human beings are different only to turn around and expect everyone to relate to sex in exactly the same way.
  • Not all guys just want sex.
  • Not everyone is doing it.

Oh, have I ever told you about the vicious patriarchy of sex?

To be continued…

Cover Photo By: Lutendo Malatji

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15 thoughts on “Male, 28, Virgin

  1. Pingback: Shaming Of Public Declarations Of Virginity On Social Media | Sinawo Bukani

  2. Well this is a good article, indeed it is a subject people just don’t want to hear. I’m a guy who is a virgin and I am in my mid twenties. When I was a kid I thought I would be a virgin until I got married because that is how it should be. I naively thought dating was a way boys took advantage of girls who were clueless of their true intentions. This arose from listening to my peers who used to discuss all the things they wanted to do when they finally got the girl (being in a relationship) and they were not polite things.

    But I grew up and realized things are really not what they seem sometimes. I also learned that I was not going to remain a virgin just because I have a certain view about it. Instead, I was going to be a virgin because as a christian I am not allowed to do it. Yes not allowed, because at 19 I realized I wanted to do it – up until now.

    Between 19 and now I think I am unsure about my virginity because a lot has happened. Inside I don’t feel like I am a virgin. All that I have now is “I never actually went all the way”. I feel like I have an idea of how it feels, how its done, how one feels after doing it etc.
    I say that because I have done a lot of reading about it, watched things christians are not supposed to watch, taken and asked for pictures even my “non born again friends” don’t take or ask for and dated a few ladies who I did a lot of kinky things with “but sex”.
    Its a phase of confusion – I even went to a point of saying “you are still a virgin” just to stay convinced amongst the confusion that is inhabiting my mind.

    When I feel like I am not ready for that “what are you waiting for conversation” I just say ja I have done it. I fit in comfortably in the conversation with all the lies in the world and no one picks it up. All in all I don’t feel like I am allowed to stand with my virgin comrades and say I am still one of them.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Number1Fan

      Thank you for stopping by and being open and honest enough to share your experience with me. I understand completely what you mean when you say you feel more like you are not a virgin than being one. I believe PJ touched on this when he said ‘purity and virginity are not synonymous’ virginity is just abstaining from sex whereas purity goes beyond that. I also recently learned that non- virgin abstainers can be pure and you’ll find that a virgin is impure. Purity is God’s standard, virgins as you stated above can have impure habits that can leave them condemning themselves and being regretful even though they have not gone all the way.

      You really sound like you feel incredibly defeated, the standard is the same for all virgins and non-virgins, to be pure. Focus and pray about that. To unlearn the bad habits that leave you feeling shameful, to learn new habits of interacting with women without asking for pictures or being too sexual in your conduct, to control your urges and to maintain a lifestyle that will make you feel less shameful. Sexual purity isn’t easy but it isn’t impossible…

      Hope this helps. if ever you need to talk contact me : sinawobukani@live.com

      Like

  3. Oh I don’t know where to start, PJ!

    This is such an honest write up, I wish every body would read!
    I had to teach myself to forgive myself for certain choices I made, and not let those be the center of my life that I measure everything else by sieve everything with.
    I learned, as a Christian woman, that my worth is not in whether or not I have ever had sex and with whom or how many times and what other extra stuff we did .
    I learned, that yes, virginity is not synonymous to purity, that my shallow idea of guarding my virginity so much that anything but penetrative sex became justifiable, (until of course I crossed that ‘limit’ eventually), nearly destroyed me. I learned to understand Christ’s message of purity, and the invitation for both virgin and non-virgin alike, that it is a soul-deep faith- journey, filled with so much love, your whole perspective changes.
    I used to cry, weeks after I became born again, I would cry because I thought I had no more innocence, I was all explored and finished. I remember breaking down and weeping with relief when God told me “I have called you by name. You are mine.” Oh how I wet those pages in the book of Isaiah with my tears! It didn’t matter anymore what I’d done in the past with this body, that love was still fashioned for me and I was going to learn the true meaning and implication of it.
    Now, I do not wish I were a virgin. Yes, if I were to start afresh, I wouldn’t have sex, it was for all the wrong reasons anyway, but no, I have burned down my wall of regrets, and am now faced with the path of newness with a fine balance of learning and unlearning.
    I think it is time now to sweep the ashes from the floor and discard them for good. This post did it for me. For although I had burned that wall down I still felt a twinge of guilt sometimes…”why didn’t you wait?” When people my age and older, like yourself, told me they had not had sex.
    How did sex become so overrated and so life-consuming in diverse ways anyway?
    How did we Christians become so fixated with ‘penetrative sex’ and therefore our ‘virginity’, we forget the focus is on puruty, and that if that had been our focus we wouldn’t have lost it anyway, or that our blind efforts to keep it was what led us to lose it? That that is not what matters? How did so many of us get it so wrong?

    Moving forward, I didn’t necessarily choose abstinence….I chose purity, and what a package it is (abstinence inclusive)!

    Happy Birthday, Sinawo! You chose today to touch others. God bless you, and God bless you too, PJ.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you My Amma for my birthday wish ❤ I had a great day ❤

      Well even though I am a virgin, I was an impure one for the longest time, seriously not bothered by this reality in all the while until my deliverance had come (it is still being instilled) and I learnt that even though I had never had penetrative sex, i'd had for so long with so many people in my head, being too sexual with men and all sorts of exploring I did. So when God spoke healing of those bad habits, I had to start at the beginning because I had to realize that it is all wrong and cannot be undone but going forward because I know better I am doing better. The standard is always purity and never virginity…

      Like

  4. Its so amazing to get a male perspective on this. He sounds so cool, I am going to stalk him right away. Growing up, I told myself that I would break my virginity at 16 and then that become 18. When I turned 18 I realised that there is really no race and I started to learn the reason and the meaning of sex. I am turning 20 in 3 months and my guy friends still think I am telling lies about being a virgin. For me, sex goes way beyond the physical and honestly speaking I don’t think I am ready to share all the aspects of me yet especially because I am still discovering myself…….. And Happy birthday Sinawo. Your blog is AMAZING, well done on all your baby steps. I cannot wait for the future. Love, love you

    Liked by 2 people

    • He is actually quite cool hey 🙂 Stalk away hahahahaha

      Thank you Baby for stopping by, love you so much ❤

      I know it surpirses a whole lot of people to know that there are still virgins around, who would rather wait it out first…

      Like

  5. Virginity and purity are not synonymous. Most women perform several sexual activities and assume that since their hymen is still intact, they are chaste and pure. No no no, that’s so not how it works.

    This article addresses it all and I love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow I haven’t related to something on the net in like forever. I’m a female, 21,and a virgin. Whenever I’m with people n we discussing (or,they are) sex,they’d wonder why I don’t give input but instead I only ask questions. When I tell that I’m still a virgin everyone gets shocked n assumes that it’s a lie. And I’m always asked what am I waiting for? Marriage? True love? and how all thay is a waste of time because all guys want sex and I must just accept that. It’s been difficult for me that I just keep it to myself. I don’t want to dwell on my childhood. And I’m not even spiritual. I’m just not ready to open myself to someone like that: because to me sex is sacred and I view it as that and not just an exchange of pleasure. I hate it when people view me as “pure” nut frown upon men who are virgins. It’s not a big deal

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Smangele, thank you for stopping by ❤

      Wow I absolutely love your views on this hey, I'm glad the guest blogger wrote something you could relate with.

      As a 27 year old female virgin myself, it does get pretty awkward at times when people realize that I am a virgin. I am used to it now. At 21, I really had no interest in sex but as I got older and started being interested in building relationships with men, I found that my body was really feeling absolutely ready to explore and it's taken me a long while to finally figure out how and why I choose abstinence.

      I think you are super cool, your perspective on waiting is mature. If ever you need to talk, you can drop me an email: sinawobukani@live.com

      🙂

      Like

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