Male, 28, Virgin

I am celebrating my 27th BIRTHDAY with a GUEST BLOGGER ❤ Please leave all gifts in the comments section below 🙂

I came across Patamedi Jonathan Lebea’s blog about two weeks ago, and as I do when I am totally smitten by someone’s words, I read every post until his very first in 2011. I instantly loved every part of himself he shared because I could relate with so many of his life experiences. I stalked him all the way to Facebook and an inbox friendship ensued 🙂 He is an amazing writer, a radio presenter on Rainbow FM, and I’m truly honored to have him as the first guest to ever post on my blog. Thank You PJ, sorry you had to stay up all night to finish this 🙂 Please read and share your thoughts and don’t forget to check out his awesome blog…

“You’re lying! There’s no way! Why do we bother having these discussions if you are not going to be honest!?” She was staring straight at me when she said these words. It was a few of us young people, most of us in our early 20’s chilling at church and the discussion was sex, as usual. A majority of the guys and girls in the circle had just disclosed that they have had sex. Besides a few other young ladies written off as being “too spiritual anyway” I was the only person in the group who was still a virgin. “Pat, just be honest!” I do not know what she wanted me to say to her, but I could tell that she was not pleased with the response I gave. She was almost offended by my truth, like it was a direct attack of her experiences. I did not know what to say to her. She stared at me with a look I know I have never seen before, and one that I’ll never forget.

It’s 2016 now and I realize there is nothing as controversial about me right now as the fact that I’m a virgin. Out of the many pointless things one could learn about me, nothing causes as much of a stir as the fact that I, at the age of 28, am still a virgin. The reactions I have gotten from people to that statement are the reason why I usually keep it to myself.  Not that I want to keep it a secret in anyway, but mostly because these words seem to offend people somehow. Hi, I am Patamedi Lebea. Yes, I am a virgin. To be honest I wish I could understand what the fuss is all about. Virginity is such a ridiculous thing. I could dissect and break down the ludicrous notion of virginity, but I shall spare you all that. All I have is the story of my history with sex; or the lack thereof.

I was a dark, fat, quiet and shy kid with an acne problem, a model C accent and no social skills whatsoever. I was obviously not a hit with the ladies growing up. If anything, I was the perfect guy friend to girls who were not put off by my uncool, unattractive, unyonk’into demeanour. I believe my ‘bestfriend’ relationships with girls coupled with my inability to relate to guys my age who were talking about breasts and butts played a big role in my lack of interest in sex growing up. I was 16 when a girl ever showed any interest in me. She told me she liked me, and I remember responding with an honest “why?” After struggling to understand why this pretty girl liked me, I eventually said “okay” and in my head we were a couple. Having never had any real conversations about relationships I did what cartoons had taught me about being in a relationship and in love. I bought her gifts, wrote her poems, called her often and always told her she was pretty. At some point she gave me my first real kiss and I remember deciding right there and then that she was the one I would marry one day. I was at her house often and even had a great relationship with her mother who liked me a lot because she knew me from church. That went on for a while until she grew up and I didn’t.

PJ Lebea with ‘the love of his life’

I was the cutest and the most dumbest little kid. I kind of knew she had a lot of other boyfriends who taught her a lot of other things I did not know but I loved her and stayed faithful. As we both grew older I wanted to explore her mind while she wanted to be explored sexually. She was a generally self-conscious girl who always needed affirmations of her beauty because although she was really pretty, her chubby size always made her feel ugly. Her younger sister was popular all around kasi for being hot. I will never forget the day she cried in my arms. We were kissing when she stopped suddenly and asked me with tears in her eyes “why don’t you find me attractive? I couldn’t understand what she was talking about, that was anything but true. She was gorgeous. I was so confused, had I not told her enough? Could she not see it in my inability to tear my gaze away from her? I got home to a text that read “…then why haven’t you tried to go all the way with me?  You’re lying! You think I’m ugly!” I thought telling her I’m a virgin would make things better, but it turned out to be the last straw that broke the camel’s back. The next time I saw her she was looking at me differently. It was a look of shame and condemnation. No matter how much I tried to tell her that I did not care about the stats of her sex life and that I really just wanted her heart, I could not make that look go away. I would later get the same look from a young lady who was confident and happy to share about her sex life as long as she believed that everyone is doing it. I am not doing it.

Today I’m happy in a relationship with the love of my life who is coincidently also a virgin. I say coincidently because I was not going around looking for another virgin to be with. In fact the struggle I had was finding a woman who did not judge her own sexuality after she found out about mine. It is the stupidest thing ever. The world paints this distorted image that everyone at a certain age wants to and is subsequently having sex, and when people realise that is not necessarily the case they are made to feel ashamed for the choice they made. The idea of sex is so warped in society today that you are shamed for having had it before marriage as a woman and also shamed for not having done it by a certain age if you are a man, only to both be shamed later for not waiting.

A few things I wish to make clear:

• Virginity and purity are not synonymous.
• Sex and love are related but not one and the same.
• The word virgin is not tantamount to “undesirable”, “incapacitated” or “religious freak”
• It is absurd that we are taught that all human beings are different only to turn around and expect everyone to relate to sex in exactly the same way.
• Not all guys just want sex.
• Not everyone is doing it.

Oh, have I ever told you about the vicious patriarchy of sex?

To be continued…

Cover Photo By: Lutendo Malatji