To My Lost Valentine

For the whole month of February, I will be posting a letter of gratitude to the people who have contributed immensely to the woman I am today. Some letters I’m thinking of sending to those I’ve written about and some I hope are never read. This will be the first time I post daily. So I am really keen on seeing how it will turn out, both for me and for those who follow this blog. I look forward to your thoughts and feedback in the comments section below. The theme for all the letters is that ‘We Are Stories’ and I will be telling mine in #29LettersOfGratitude for a whole month. If you would like to join me (PLEASE DO!!!) remember to link me in your posts.

So I sent a link for yesterday’s letter to the person it was about. And he replied on the post, quite a cute response. Today’s one is a bit somber so please bare with me, this is how it came out ❤

My pride is mad at me for writing you this letter.

For saying your name out loud.
When my very own,
you don’t even mumble in the dark.

I still remember,
the beautiful scent of our forbidden love,
like it was yesterday.

I’ve realized now.
That the wounds of my heartbreak,
are always finding their voice.

I have a feeling that writing this letter,
will be as hard as trusting your love for me.

But here goes…

I could have titled it ‘My Youngest Lover’
But that would be seeing you through their eyes.

And not of the heart,
that is still tattooed with exquisite memories of you.

1000 hours I’ve had to look in the mirror.
And see more of me,
than this older frame of mine.

With you.
I found out what I had to offer,
when impurity of my body wasn’t on the menu.

Thank you for being a perfect lover.
Even though I was just your first experiment.

I want to tell you other things too.

But I’m afraid I’ll scream at you.
Making even strangers stare,
as I fist hard against your boyish chest.

So hear me dwell on my gratitude instead.

Thank you for all the poetry you wrote me,
that I never got to read.

Because it would’ve given me more ammunition,
not to forgive you when you changed your mind.

Thank you for being the one I was taught God’s pure love through.

I never told you,
but you were the first man I ever prayed with.

Maybe that is why I still don’t understand your reasons,
letting fear devour the only love you’ve ever known.

Thank you for being the reason,
I can now express myself through metaphors.

Even though I still can’t open my journal,
on the pages that have you scribbled all over them.

Thank you for finding an exit?

Of course I don’t really mean this…
But it’s been months,
I must at least pretend.

Thank you for breaking down the determined walls,
that protected my heart against the exposure of your light.
Giving me a chance to bask in your radiance .

Thank you for still spilling through my fingertips.
Otherwise I would have never known,
what it’s like to bleed on a keyboard.

Thank you for leaving me for the better home,
you still haven’t found.

I could have used your rejection as a broken reflection.
But I quickly remembered,
your wandering heart can never take anything from me,
it hasn’t given.

Every fragment you marveled at,
is still right here, where you left it.

Thank you for not knowing,
I still craved you, long after your departure.

Alone is still healing the parts of me you broke.
Convincing myself with the right one,
I can be more than a vacation.

Because of you,
I’ve conquered Mt. Closure all on my own.

Thank you for giving me companionship,
that’s left me restless now that I am without you.

Because of you,
my soul knows yearning that still calls out your name.

Thank you for giving me firsts,
I never even knew existed.

Thank you for being consistent.
Never once stumbling as you walked away.

Thank you for not coming back for me,
so I could find my own way back to me.

Cover Photo By: Lutendo Malatji


 

When was the last time you loved so hard but still lost them? Did you regret it? How did you heal?  
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10 thoughts on “To My Lost Valentine

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