Faithless Hopelessness

As many will know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I have decided to dedicate the whole month to share a close friend’s journey with the disease. She was only 26 when she was first diagnosed and this is her story…

Just A Gloomy Day 

After days of re-arranging his schedule, my boyfriend is finally able to make it to an appointment with me. We finally book a date with Dr JK. As I sit quietly beside him in the waiting room, I can’t believe he is still with me.

I didn’t ask for the cancer but I can’t stop thinking that this isn’t what he signed up for. Even though he’s tried to reassure me a million times that he is not going anywhere, and I know I should believe him but I am still Aviwe with two boobs, what happens when I only have one? My insecurities can’t help taking me to that dark place.

After we get back from the doctor’s appointment, I see my bible resting itself beside my bed. I remember how I haven’t touched it, since the day, I got the news of the cancer. I’m still too angry at God, feeling unfairly allocated a sickness that I don’t deserve.

Which loving Father would allow me to born and at the very highest peak of my young life make me a freak show? Why give me 26 whole years of life when you know that you’ve already decided to abruptly take it all away from me? What have I done to deserve such a penalty?

I feel my reality heavily shifting, leaving me feeling even more powerless.

Will I make it to surgery? Or will I have complications and die during surgery?

I can’t help wondering what the number is, on my left-over days, ticking away, running out on His eternal timer.

It’s been a long day, I finally decide to sink myself in the one person who has loudly and proudly promised to see me through it all. He’s half asleep when I finally make it into our bed. Being immersed in his warm embrace is enough to give me a little strength to face just another day, to fight this unfair disease so that it never has the last word.

Photo by: Olebogeng Masiane

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3 thoughts on “Faithless Hopelessness

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