Remembering You With Kindness

The first time I ever broke up with you, it was because I was already suspecting you were the kind of man I could easily fall madly in love with.

I wasn’t wrong.

I still remember how hurt we were by the decision, even though we both knew it was for the best.

I wished we’d stayed broken up because the months that followed came with a lot of messiness and unnecessary pain.

We’ve been through a lot together and we’ve shared so many special memories. And even though we’ve put each other through the ultimate most, I don’t think I could ever wish any of it away.

You’ll always be the first guy I ever trusted with not only my nakedness but with every intimate thought.

Knowing and loving you allowed me to explore a side of myself I’d never discovered before.

It was a very warm place I submerged in with glee, even when I knew it would never be mine to occupy.

Holding on to you and hoping that we could ever become anything more than what you’ve always offered almost destroyed me.

I take full responsibility for the part I played in giving you all of me when it wasn’t always reciprocated.

When I reflect on our time together, I shudder because I willingly sacrificed so much of who I am to get any scraps you had to offer.

In turn, I directed a lot of the bitterness, anger and resentment on you as the woman scorned. I’ll never like the person our relationship made me become.

I should’ve focused my energies on getting over my feelings for you and finding someone who would offer me mutual adoration, love and affection.

Well, it’s difficult to phrase a whole relationship of six months in just one letter but I’m hoping to navigate myself into a space that will always remember you with kindness.

I think I owe us that much.

So, for the first time, I am not pointing fingers or forcing you to account. And I’m definitely not asking you to stay.

I know you’ve always wanted me to promise you a friendship beyond the break up…

I’ve never really imagined what that would look like but I’m convinced now more than ever that I could never be just your friend.

Since the day we went on our cute little ice cream date at Cocobel, my Christian girl heart was taken by you.

Every fragment of friendship you received was always laced with strong feelings of adoration. And every day we are not together I have harboured that as rejection.

So, I don’t know if I can promise you the friendship we once shared.

Maybe, for us, forever might actually have an expiry date.

Today though, I wondered if you were okay, if you’re being safe when you skate, and if you are eating … but then I also wondered who you talk to now that it’s not me, who’s sleeping in your bed and watching your anime stuff with you on the weekends.

I was going to ask if you’re taking good care of yourself but instead, I found myself writing you this letter and just hoping that you are.

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Photo By: Lonwabo Zimela