The Unfairness Of Using Human Beings As Bandages

Lonwabo Zimela, Sinawo Bukani, Black Photographer, Young Photographer, South African Photographer, African Black Photographers, African Photographers, South African Bloggers

One Sunday afternoon, many moons ago, I walked down one of my most favorite streets in the CBD.

I was going through the most but I still urged my chubby legs to plod on along because I had places to go.

A man stopped his car across the street, got out and came over to say ‘hello’.

He had a wide smile, and behaved the way all extroverts do. He was confident and his loud happiness was very entertaining.

His energy was boisterous but not violating. It was contagious without ever being intoxicating. And just like that, the part of me that had felt dim minutes before started lighting up.

I kept silently thinking ‘he’s actually funny.’

And even though, I already suspected that he was someone I wouldn’t ever want to see again, I walked with him to his car.

Inside, I attempted to mimic his jovialness.

It felt foreign and forced but he was fun and I wanted him to know that I appreciated his company for playing the role of distracting my heavy heart.

We ended up spending over six hours together that night.

I got to stand on the rooftop of the building he lives in and listened to a very long history about the streets in the area.

I tasted his favorite craft beer and was forced to give a good review.

He also insisted that we have supper at a rooftop restaurant owned by his uncle’s friend.

I couldn’t help feeling like a fraud for sharing moments with him when I already knew the truth.

I told him about this blog. I showed him pictures of my nephew and even told him things about myself, I’d never told anyone else before.

When he spoke, I listened, nodded and reciprocated his smiles.

I was giggly and desperately relishing in the attention that had infiltrated a little twinkle through the messiness I was carrying inside.

When the night came to an end, he dropped me off at my place and asked for my number.

He parked his car, got out and hugged me, I squeezed harder. 

I never told him but that would become the last time we ever spoke.

The next morning, his calls rang desperately one after the other.

Then they came in single rings, all spread out throughout the day.

After three weeks, he finally stopped trying to reach me.

I was both relieved and very guilty.

We shared moments he hoped we could expand into something worthwhile, while I’d known from the very beginning that our first night together would definitely be our last.

I laughed, flirted and could easily be accused of leading him on when I knew going any further was something I never hoped for.

I accept crucifixion for not having the courage to tell him the truth.

I still don’t know why my heart refused to budge. I wanted to want what he wanted but I just didn’t.

Have you ever given a moment when you knew you wouldn’t give more? Have you ever been the one that ached for more when you were only extended a moment? 

Photo By: Lonwabo Zimela

10 thoughts on “The Unfairness Of Using Human Beings As Bandages

  1. Dr. Scot Peck in his book ‘The Road Less Travelled’. He starts it off by a short sentence: Life is difficult

    Then I read this and say to myself: Life is such a learning curve

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is the absolute worst feeling in the world. I fell madly in love with a man once. I was cautious at first, not wanting to get hurt, but when I asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted to be wanted, love be loved, to be cherished. It was already too late, to be honest, I already cared too much. And so i loved him with everything i had. But no amount of love could make him stay. I feel like I still try from time to time, all these years later. When I read your post, I thought to myself perhaps that’s what happened…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. After reading this, I cant help but share my side of the story. I have had a similar encounter with one lady whom I had no feelings at all for. Hustled for her numbers and asked her to come spend a night with me, when she arrived, the looks! He face! The facial expressions! Her walk! The softness of her hands! The smell of her hand lotion(I love it so much she even decided to leave it with me lol)! Now I have my lady whom I love so dearly, and we’ve been together for 5 years now and in all these years nobody has ever been able to convince me that they can love me better than my woman does. But this one! Yho bafeth’! She was(is) the real bomb! The plan was she will spend one night and leave early morning the next day because I had to go to work and I really have trust issues, I cant even leave my housemates with my room key. Guess what? In the morning, I woke her up with breakfast in bed (I had never done that before and I never did it after that), begged her to sleep her beautiful self in my bed the whole day until I come back, and left a couple of bucks just incase she feels like going out shopping or meet a friend to brag about the last night to, you know how girls do. She agreed to that, although I reall dont think any of my morning treatment worked that magic, I think its the love and trust and void in her that let her agree. She spent 5 days and 4 nights at my place, and also, I think she only left because it started to feel too much like she’d moved into my place, we were now living like some white young I had never thought Id ever feel like that! I had never thought someone could quicken me like that! I used to brag about how “tough” I was, that I dont easily fall and all that but this one proved me wrong. I fell for her so expansive, I cant remember what else went through my mind in those days except the thought of her, I would run to get home in the afternoon just to have her all to myself. You have absolutely no idea how that felt! I could say she felt like the universe, but I never really held the entire universe so id say she felt like that moment when you pick an old rusty 10 cent coin when youre 10 cent short to catch a taxi home! That feeling of “I dont care how broken or rusty it is, I will pick it up, wash it, clean it until its presentable to pay!”. But after she had left, the whole world flashed back to me, I realized how I had held on to what I never intended to hold on to, and ignored what I had set my heart for the long time to. Long story short, she fell more inlove with me than I did with her, obviously because it wasnt my intention to fall for her at the first place. Until today, I still am typing a response to her whatsapp text asking me “Buhle, what is it really that you want from me?”

    Liked by 2 people

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