You stop yourself from talking about him to strangers you meet on the bus.
You must remember not to recount stories about someone who left you in a hopeless place.
You do not reach for his arm when he stands besides you on the lift.
Instead, you nod to his walk-in greeting and fiddle with your phone.
You ‘forget’ to say happy birthday.
You write him messages you delete before sending.
He wouldn’t know how to receive your brokenness.
You don’t remove your earphones when he nudges you at the downstairs deli.
You let out a quiet hello, each breath threatening to expose your broken heart.
He must believe his presence no longer moves you.
You go to sleep hugging your pillows because your body misses his.
You watch him when he’s not looking.
He never catches you because he’s never reciprocated the curiosity.
Your days without him are consumed you with grief.
Sometimes you muster the strength to wear your cape and fight off all the evil heartbreak makes you believe about yourself.
But tonight, you can’t help but believe every insecurity his rejection is screaming at you.
You promise yourself to never love again.
Your kind was never made for fairytales and happily ever afters.
You’re writing about him even when you don’t want to.
Grief wears many faces over the next couple of months.
Sometimes it’s a fireball of rage.
Other days you submit powerlessly under all the inconsolable hurt.
You run out of tears to cry it out.
You are healing but it’s taking too damn long.
You self talk, and sometimes even meditate but the hurt is stubborn.
Time refuses to mend what he broke.
Soon you’ll master even the art of not texting first.
The memories of what used to be start fading but the emotions linger for long.
You start forgetting conversations or why you ever loved him.
But thoughts of him loving another in your place still haunt your sleep.
The urge to still want to be close to him will eventually die.
You will always love him but you have to learn how to live without him.
This is what he’s told you he wants.
You make sure to always remember that you are not what he wants.
I found this in my drafts, wrote it about a year ago. It’s a little about heartbreak and more about finding ways to live with the pain.
Plain, raw truth.
sounds all too familiar.
At the time it feels like you’ll never recover but then you do.
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