For the whole month of February, I will be posting a letter of gratitude to the people who have contributed immensely to the woman I am today. Some letters I’m thinking of sending to those I’ve written about and some I hope are never read. This will be the first time I post daily. So I am really keen on seeing how it will turn out, both for me and for those who follow this blog. I look forward to your thoughts and feedback in the comments section below. The theme for all the letters is that ‘We Are Stories’ and I will be telling mine in #29LettersOfGratitude for a whole month. If you would like to join me (PLEASE DO!!!) remember to link me in your posts.
It wasn’t intentional but I found myself in front of the mirror. I was wearing a black and white stripped skirt, it’s always been my favorite because of the soft fabric it’s made of. I am about to put on my bra when I stop and stare at the reflection. I like what I see. Maybe it’s because I’m too far away from the mirror or maybe it is because I am not wearing my spectacles. But my vanity is quickly reaching its highest point because even my skin seems to be glowing. I love how I feel in my own body today … but I must finish up before the mini-bus hoots for me outside.
These moments are so rare for me, to completely adore my body in its nakedness. With all its extras and the countless tiny dark marks that accuse I’ve stretched my body beyond its required limit. Today I actually have no squabbles with everything I’m looking at. I wear it all with pride and dignity. It is mine and I am in love with every fragment of it.
When I started dating my ex-boyfriend, he kept our relationship a secret from his family. He was the first guy I’d ever been with, so I wasn’t sure what that meant but I knew it hurt my feelings. He comes from a family of vegans and when he invited me to his graduation, he told me that I should expect his aunt to be insensitive about my weight … I chose not to go.
Because I’d always been insecure about my weight even back then, I would bring up the insecurities in our conversations as little tests for him. When we broke up, he still insisted on inquiring about my weight loss, until of course one night when I realized I’d had enough! I told him to stop making me loathe the same body that had given him plenty of pleasure with all of its fat anyway. I reminded him I had a life that demanded to be lived every single day in this overweight body and to despise what I looked like was unfair to the woman I am trying to be.
Every day I have to remind myself to love this me I am in the moment, so that I am more fulfilled with my life.
I am told I am beautiful almost everyday but I still harbor the self hatred, the insecurities, and the mean comments because they are deeper engraved. I believe them more than I should.
But earlier today I looked in the mirror and I saw my whole truth. And still I proudly declare I have an awesome beautiful body.
Cover Photo By: Sipho Biyam
Have you ever had any self-esteem issues? Were they caused by your weight or comments of others? How have you dealt with it?